Raising Single Child
“It takes a whole village to raise a child.”
This Nigerian proverb suggests that bringing up children is not merely a family’s work but the collective effort of the whole community. However, the communities and joint families are dissolving in the present world, and parents seldom have time to prepare their children adequately to lead their lives.
Decades ago, families had a gang of children of varying ages. Often their parents were busy working in the fields and had no time for their children. Unlike the current fuss about eating, earlier feeding children beyond infancy was unknown. It was common for a group of three-four children to sit around a single plate and eat together. Feeding each other and complaining that one ate off all the food as usual. Yet it would teach children to respect each other, understand others’ perspectives, share emotions, differentiate right from wrong, and accept unacceptable behaviours; they learnt to negotiate, join a game, protect themselves and others in a fight, and finally live with a disagreement.
Unfortunately, as joint-families dissolved and the families withered from ‘we two ours three’ to ‘we two ours two’ and now follow the ‘we two ours one’ adage. The change of family structure has changed the complete value system. To this day, all most all traditions in Indian marriages revolve around begetting healthy offspring. In fact, one of the purposes of marriage is to continue the lineage. Conversely, the present parents regard children as accidental or burden. Most young couples avoid having children given a choice, as a career becomes more important. They look down upon motherhood as a liability, an unwanted hindrance to their career. Hence, they resort to one child and pass on the responsibility of child-rearing either to their parents, nanny or depend excessively on the play homes or crèches.
Since both parents work, most children do not see their mothers until 7 pm and fathers till Sunday. To cope with the guilt of not spending enough time with children, the parents provide whatever the children ask for. Thus, the children have understood that they can get anything by stipulation. Furthermore, the biggest disadvantage of having a single child is that they are not exposed to social experiences. Not being able to share is a very insignificant issue for a single child. There are far more serious problems like getting used to parents’ continuous attention and getting anxious when no teacher or adult is around.
To avoid the above problems, it is essential to provide and create opportunities for the single child to be in the company of other children of the same age and different age groups. This could be done by taking the child regularly to a playground, visiting relatives’ or friends’ houses, or inviting the neighbourhood children to play at home once in a while. The interaction with children of varying ages enables the younger ones to learn and mimic the behaviour of the older ones. The older ones learn responsibility and become protective towards the younger ones, learn to make friends, the rationale for fighting, who was wrong and what they should have done right and made up after a fight etc.
Moreover, preparation for being an effective parent starts much before getting married. Sadly, young couples are insufficiently prepared for marriage. Falling in love and getting married is wrongly considered two individuals, but marriage is about two families and commitment to hold on together. It is the bond to be nurtured, being considerate, caring, loving and respecting. Before the wedding, the mature young couples are required to discuss whether to have a baby, when to have it, the requirements that arouse, whether the mother should continue with her job or take a break; if continued, who would take care of the baby? What would be the role of the father in child-rearing? Will he assist the mother in household chores or take responsibility for the child at times? What is his role in the development of the child? What role do the grandparents play? Will the grandparents replace the parents in child-rearing etc.?
The next set of questions is: What kind of environment is to be created for the child? It is not the physical aspect of the environment but the social, emotional, intelligent and spiritual aspects crucial. As the environment lays the foundation for the child’s spiritual, social, emotional and intellectual development, parents must decide on the kind of environment in which the child spends his life.
- Social environment: every environment has its own culture apart from physical things. Language is a part of our culture. It is essential to decide on what language we expect the child to learn. If that language is different from mother tongue, one of the parents had to talk in that language regularly. Who is going to take that responsibility? What is our idea of greeting others, do we shake hands or say Namaste or just wave hands? Should we touch the feet of the elders and take blessing? How good are we with our neighbours, friends, and relatives? How often do we offer to help them? How do we make up for a dispute or misunderstanding? How to create an air of pro-activeness in the family? How do we expect our child to react to the authority?
- Spiritual environment: The environment should foster the spiritual aspects of the culture whether to be religious or not, the traditions to be followed at home, rules to be set like whether to wear the slippers inside the home, the traditions and rituals to follow like early morning whether to look at the image of the God or chant a prayer or both or none; whether to do pooja daily, weekly or only during festivals, how often to visit temples/churches and finally what festivals to celebrate.
- Emotional Environment: The emotions have a strong influence on the environment Strong emotions resonate the surroundings. The parents need to decide on their take on exhibiting emotions like method of expressing emotions, what do when angry, jealous, or scared, what do when somebody else exhibits painful or negative emotions and how to show appreciation, love and care for others.
- Intelligent Environment: how to create an environment where the child is stimulated to use his hands actively. What kind of toys to be provided and engage the child in both physical and intellectual plays and games? How to make time for playing with children and encourage them to take challenges? How to choose one dress or toy over the other? How to delay gratification? How to convince others and take decisions?
These questions need not be answered with a pen and paper in hand. Parents are required to contemplate these questions at least once and be prepared to raise a family.
Joint or extended families are beneficial from children’s developmental point of view. Nevertheless, society has changed and for good or bad nuclear families are prevalent. It is proactive to do whatever is feasible in one’s capacity to lay a foundation for a better future society by developing children who are socially, emotionally, spiritually and intellectually strong.